Madison Rios
Stepping Stone 19 Guide
"My name is Madison. At this point in my life I’m an organic farmer who loves to paint, run, read, hike up mountains, travel spontaneously, dance with strangers, and share joy."
This steppingstone challenges us to call our shadow self out of the darkness and into the light of awareness; but most people, myself included, have a difficult time understanding that they even have a shadow side. To acquaint yourself with your shadow, I challenge you to list two things that you really like about yourself. For example, perhaps you like that you are kind and hardworking. Now (and this is the shadow part), consider that there have also been instances in your life when you have displayed selfishness (the opposite of kindness) and laziness (the opposite of hardworking). But before beating-up on yourself, consider that bit of selfishness and laziness, now and again, could be interpreted as an expression of self-care.
As I began to explore my own shadow, I recalled myself, as a teenager in high school, feeling a bit strange or even like a “bad friend” because of how much I liked to socialize with many different groups of people, including the adult baristas at the coffee shop where I worked, the artsy theatre-loving clique, as well as the kids who liked to party on the weekends.
"I am a wild, sensitive woman who seeks intimate connections with people, Earth, and everything in-between."
I wasn’t aware that some people didn’t always enjoy what I regarded as my free-spirited self. It was the qualities of my personality that others deemed unattractive that eventually alerted me to my shadow. For example, there were uncomfortable moments in my life when some people said things to me along the lines of “Why do you have to be so silly… or so sensitive… or so dreamy… or so emotional… or so different?” Or “Why can’t you just be more serious or realistic or quiet or nice?” These assessments often caused me to wince.
In this vein, I was inspired by the story of Julia who was labeled as a bitch because she was forthright and headstrong. [See steppingstone section on “Integrating the Shadow into your Life”]. But rather than being shamed by the label, bitch, Julia came to see her ability to stand up for herself and speak her mind as an essential part of her character.
As I took in Julia’s story, I thought about the ways that people in my life have sometimes judged me unrealistic. Rather than being shamed by this label, it occurred to me that the benefits of being realistic are often over-rated and that being unrealistic (e.g., not conforming to the status quo) can create conditions for the expression of creativity and freedom.
As a recent college graduate I have felt pressure to behave as a grown-up by endeavoring to be more practical and conventional. In an effort to prune away the non-conventional aspects of myself, I made a plan to go to graduate school to study Urban Planning. I reasoned that doing this would allow me to fit the adult mold while also providing financial security; but, at the same time, I hesitated because going to graduate school meant leaving my work as a farmer, which I truly loved.
As it turned out, within just a few months of beginning my Urban Planning program, I lost enthusiasm for graduate school and fell into a dragging depression. In the role of a graduate student, it was as if I was an actor performing someone else’s plot line. Finally, after experiencing many sleepless nights, I realized I could’t continue living this way.
One night, I asked myself, “What makes me happy?” and I smiled to myself as I felt the answer rise from my soul, “Farming, of course.” Soon thereafter, I left graduate school and landed a farming internship in Montana; and, almost instantaneously, I felt whole again.
Today, as my full-self makes herself loud and clear, I am ready to stand and declare: “I am a wild, sensitive woman who seeks intimate connections with people, Earth, and everything in-between.” As I dare to full-heartedly accept the entirety of myself, I am gaining a clearer sense of my life’s true meaning and purpose.
In closing, I want to call your attention to the story of “The Gold Within the Shadow” that appears at the end of this steppingstone. As the narrative goes, a curious monk chipped away at brown clay that turned out to be the surface covering for a beautiful statue of the Buddha made of gold. This story reminds me of how I sometimes cover up the truth hidden within me. For example, sometimes, I pretend that I have it all together in order to convince others that I’m a standard mature adult. However, like the monk with the chisel, when I remove my exterior, what is revealed is not so much “a standard adult” as a unique amalgam of brightness, goofiness and passion. I can only imagine what would happen if we were all curious and free enough to reveal our true golden-like, genuine selves?
